Me at the Colorado river, at the bottom, Nov 2022
I’m off to: 20Booksto50K, the big professional development event for authors in Las Vegas. Imo, Vegas’ redeeming feature is its proximity to the Grand Canyon.
Last year I hiked the canyon the Saturday before the event. Alone, 30 days past a major surgery and the second day that I was able to get through a whole day without lying down. My 17" of sutures were still unhealed, and travel was difficult, as I was unable to put any straps over my shoulders. And, you know, pain.
I promised everyone who knew that I would make the decision on the rim whether I hiked or not, and promised myself that I would make that decision again and again; turn around at any time. I feel much more confident about uphill than downhill - I can go up endlessly and down is more wobbly, so the unusual *down first* of canyon hiking suits me. I know I can get back up.
Long story short, I went to the river and back up, was out by 2pm, a some 40K step day.
This year I'm going to do it again. Tomorrow. This time, not at my pre-cancer/surgery strength, but near it, and not alone. My brother is flying into Vegas too to hike it with me.
It it symbolic and ceremonial and important for me. I'm still here. This is a one-year return, a *bookend*.
Very few knew that 2022 was dominated by cancer for me. Because I hardly told anyone; it was my style to hide it. At times I wasn't sure I would live, and that's a liminal and rare place, to think of mortality, and purpose, and one's value in life.
I was excited a year ago, that I HAD DONE IT. I hiked that vertical mile 30 days post surgery, take that cancer!, and what else might I be capable of? I'm more excited this year, that I'm back, that I'm still here. I think of the future again. I make plans. I am of the world again, as I used to be before my existence was threatened.
So. Deep thoughts on the rim of the canyon again.
What I'm musing on: Two things being true at the same time, even contrasting and seemingly opposite things. Things left undone and the power of Half. Over a whole year of vastly reduced energy, I've been contronted with the reality of being unable to do all I wish and intend to do. At best uncomfortable and frustrating, at worst, a threat to my v identity. I can't say I'm coping well with leaving things undone. The way the undone erodes my self-esteem is untenable though, and searching for fixes to that, I thought of drastic measures: maybe I should throw my hands in the air and cut all of my lists and goals in half.
I can see the book now: The Power of Half. (and just like that, I create a new list item for myself - write a book, about the radical reduction of pressure on oneself to perform!)
What’s amusing: My little rooster is sounding pretty good now! Not very loud, but at least he’s got all the tones strung together. Last week he couldn’t get past the dood of the doodle-do. Before that it just cut off in a wheeze like he was choking. But it’s coming together for him (he is v proud).
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